Proud to be Protestant

Unfortunately a co-worker of mine passed away last week and his funeral was on Tuesday at a Catholic Church in Stone Mountain. Here are a few of the awesome things that I experienced while I was there. Keep in mind I have never been to a Catholic funeral much less even stepped foot into a Catholic Church before. To say it was eye opening would be an understatement.

Let me also state for the record that I have nothing against Catholic people or the Catholic Church (unless you count the hundreds of years of oppression, forced conversions and murder in the name God) barring that I have no problems.

Anyway, a lot of the stuff I saw I thought was only on TV. Here is a list…

• “Smokey Ball On A Chain” - You know the priest swings it down the aisle like he’s fogging for mosquitoes. Well it smelled like hippie’s B.O. Someone should have told me it was going to burn my nostrils! How can you enjoy a service when there are foul odors? Right, Kelli?

• “Golden Bucket and Dipper” – It’s kind of like a magic trick, he pulls this golden stick out of bucket and only when he flicks it does water… excuse me “holy water” fly out of the end of it. He slung “holy water” all over the casket. Why, you ask, I don’t have a clue. Maybe because he’s the priest and he gets to do whatever he wants.

• “Weird Homely Chick” – We had the privilege of having this weird looking girl lead us in some songs. Well songs may be the wrong word. I don’t know what the term is for completely annoying and high-pitched singing with organ accompaniment. One helpful bit was that she would let you know when it was our turn to sing the chorus by doing the “Miss America Parade Wave” and that was also how she kept us in time. Very resourceful.

• “Stand, Sit, Kneel” – I was actually expecting the church aerobics. This one is pretty standard or so I’m told. I just wanted to yell, “You’re out, Simon didn’t say!” There was a very convenient little padded bar that you could put your knees on. I tried it out, but I still prefer to just pray straight from my heart. Oooh, burn!

• “Catholic Stand and Shake” - The “en vogue” thing to do in church services these days is the “stand and shake”, spreads community I guess and germs. Well have no fear; the Catholics have not let this trend slip them by. The exception is you have to wait until the priest reads a specific scripture, then and only then can you stand and greet your neighbors, but you’re only allowed to say “Peace be to you.” Even if someone has a booger hanging out you can’t tell them you just have to stare at it and say, “Peace be to you, booger… I mean brother.”

There was so much more that I don’t have the time to go into it all.
It has been said that Catholicism is a more intelligent way to worship, well if that is true then I’ll just stay an idiot.

Peace (be to you)